16: Bad Title, Great Book – How To Make Someone Love You in 90 Minutes or Less Forever!

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I know.  Worst. Title. Ever.  But I guess if you’ve got a bestselling book called How To Get Someone to Like You in 90 Seconds or Less, naturally you’re follow up book could stand to ride on its coattails.

I picked up this book at a charity rummage sale at my work.  As a joke.  For a date.  However, I never found the right funny moment to pass it along after I had texted him a picture of it.  So in my hot mess of year dating, after I realized that the guy I had bought it for wasn’t worth the buck I paid for it, I rediscovered this little gem and decided why the heck wouldn’t I read it.  Nothing I seemed to be doing was working.

And in turn, I discovered a great little book.

Now don’t get me wrong.  You can read all the books that you want on how to date and fall in love and get married, if you never put it into practice, none of those things will happen.  I don’t believe that this book guarantees anything anyways.  However, it provides some pretty great insights into discovering yourself and things you should or should not look for in a match, the kind of things that work and that don’t work in flirting, presentation and conversation on dates and extra tips that can give you a possible advantage if you come across an opportunity where you’d like to pursue someone for a date.

Bottom line is, this book is actually quite scientific.  The book is written by a Master Practitioner of Neuro-Linguistic Programming (NLP).  This discipline examines how, without thinking, we use words to empower or demoralize ourselves and others.  “If your love life isn’t happening, you can keep doing what you’re doing and hope someone will turn up, or you can get to the root of the problem and make adjustments.”  If your natural way tends to assess situations and unknowingly demoralize yourself or others around you, making adjustments can actually benefit your love life and even your regular one.  Who wouldn’t want to experience more happiness from small adjustments?

Neuro-Linguistic training aside, I think by far my favourite part of the book came in the chapter on Flirting.  Now I’m a natural flirt but that doesn’t necessarily mean that I’m a champ.  Reading this chapter put in perspective some things that I think many woman could benefit from:

1.  The Principle of Scarcity (or How to Make Yourself More Intriguing) – Simply put, human beings want more of what they can’t have.  Like a business that puts on a front to make it seem like they are really in demand, will actually increase their demand so can a woman (or man) play this game.

2.  The difference between being Sexy and being Cute – Also is equal to the difference between giving off a grown up sexual energy versus a childish, immature energy.  This is big.  Huge.

3.  Taking the Power – This may take some practice even for me, but getting the guy to ask you out, saying you are unavailable at that time but getting their phone number so you know they are interested and you aren’t waiting for a call in boy time is pure genius.  I bow down to the author for this one.

And for the men out there that are potentially interested in my brandished opinion on this, there are the 4 questions to ask yourself when planning a date:

1.  Is it somewhere she will feel safe?
2.  Is it something she will enjoy?
3.  Is it somewhere we can talk?
4.  Is it different?  Come on guys, it is supposed to be special.  Normal is easy.  Interesting is sexy.

(PS.  These questions go for girls planning dates too)

Of course, there is a butt load more to this book than I have let on.  And if you have had a year like I did, there is absolutely no harm in making a few adjustments to your technique to see if you see some success.

In the end, even the author admits that there is still a stage past these 90 minutes before you get to love.

“Love doesn’t happen on command.  It’s a process that flows, it’s a seed that grows, it’s a spark that turns into a flame”

And I couldn’t agree more.  What crazy person wants to fall in love in 90 minutes anyways?!?!  I just want to see if there is a connection in those 90 minutes that is worth pursuing.  And if there is, it takes two to keep it alive.

“You make gestures to show him he’s the most important thing in your life.  You pay attention to her and take action to show her the romantic fires are burning”

Complete cheese when spoken aloud, so read the book to yourself and put the words into action.  But all women should always thank one man for preaching to the rest to be romantic.  Thank you Nicholas Boothman.  Perhaps your next book can be How to be Romantic in 90 ways or less.  If we all took action to show love to our beloved daily, regardless of the scale it is on, we’d probably be on a better track to solving world peace or at the least, reducing the world’s divorce rate.

I liked this book.  It was sweet and easy to read and I have not much intention of putting much more of the practices into play then wearing sexy underwear and walking the dog while practicing my mystery and empowering my flirting game but maybe that’s the only real boost my dating game needs.  I won’t even say that I need a better dating pool to pick from to improve my situation.  Ok well, I won’t even mean it if I do say it.

Happy dating.

15: Cougar Sighting

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3 Things I learned from one date with a 26 year old:

1.  The youngest you can date without being disgusting is by dividing your age in half and adding 7.  This is according to my young, male 20 something coworkers.

My current age: 38 / 2 + 7 = 26
My age when I went out with the 26 year old: 37 / 2 + 7 = 25.5

2.  No matter what their age, never make your first date a place where you may run into your coworkers.

3.  If you have to drive them home after and they text you that you are really cute after, it makes no difference that they meet your age requirement, it’s still disgusting.

You’re welcome.

Outfit:  Did I wear something?  Doesn’t matter.  I’m disgusting. 0 out of 5.

16: Bring On The Crazy

Sometimes, it’s me.

I’m sure many more guys than I suspect believed it was me and that is why there were no second or third dates, and I will confess at least one of them was right.  In this case there was never even a first date.  No big loss for me, I mean I never texted him back after he cancelled our first meet but after I fill you in, we will all know why we didn’t do all that we could to even make the first happen.

We’ll call him Gluten Free only because that’s what I remember him for.  At least I remember him for my Gluten Free Rant.  Nothing says date me like a passionate rant about something you both see differently.  I haven’t ranted at a complete stranger in, oh I don’t how long, so it took me a little by surprise that I did this.  I was a little disappointed with myself after and not because I lost out on some great guy, but because I think the whole dating thing was just getting to me and I was running a good track record for not pulling any crazy girl shit.

Our conversation and texts were pleasant enough.  He was a photographer by passion and the manager of a high end liquor store for trade.  Our chats were quite simplistic, we checked out each others Instagrams for mutual artistic approval and he was not hard on the eyes.  Somewhere in our short time of chatting I said I would take him out for a gluten free beer cause that’s how I role and that didn’t seem to deter us from chatting but than the gluten free thing came up again and this time in his simplistic manner of making for interesting conversation he voiced his opinion on gluten free being full of crap.

No wait.  He sent me a link “proving” that it was bullshit.  Actual title.  Gluten sensitivity is apparently bullshit.

Huh.

For those of you that know me and my son and the fact that my son is Celiac, completely allergic to gluten, and going gluten free changed our lives like night and day you know why my mind went red.  For those of you that don’t know me and my son, I’m the crazy gluten free lady.

I went on to argue that the person in the article had never had to clean up the pee sheets from loss of bladder control at night, put on cream on rashes or deal with the kind of temper tantrum that comes from the loss of control when having a reaction.

Did I just say pee sheets?

Oh and then I went on about how my thyroid got better after going off gluten and no longer needed medicine for it as well as it is a factor in improving many other diseases.

Can’t stop me now, I’m talking Thyroids!

And after all that I went on to apologize.  Ugh.  Not even I would want to date me after that.  He said he could see I was passionate about it and I agreed and went on to say that my passion was much cuter in person.

Kill me now.

We did end up chatting a little more before we made plans and then he cancelled them and then I didn’ t hear from him again.  Do I want to spend my time defending my lifestyle to someone or do I want someone that appreciates what I do.  I mean, besides this lucrative blogging career I have going on (sigh), I have worked for years now in a health and well being position and have been sought after specifically for my skills in alternative diets, including gluten free.  And he did say that the Blue Jays suck, so really, what was in it for me?

Bullet dodged.

One add gluten to my gluten food girl for him and one open minded appreciator of crazy gluten free lady for me.

Let’s eat.

15: What I Want

It seems to me that in the process of dating a lot of what I didn’t want, I have discovered a lot of what I do want.  I admit that this is a heck of a list.  But I’ve settled in the past and not taken this list and wants and intelligence about a relationship seriously and now I feel like sometimes I’m a few steps behind everyone.  I went passionately and lustfully and blindly into marriage and many things that followed from that marriage and had to start over again in many areas of my life when it ended.  I don’t want to be that passionate and lustful and blind girl again.  I want to be passionate with purpose, lustful in the bedroom (and many other places as listed below) and blindly loyal to an amazing man.   I want to be a woman in a relationship.  I want to meet my match both as someone that challenges and compliments.  Let’s start at the very beginning:

1.  Intelligence – Interesting and humble, intelligence.  Not in the way that an ex boyfriend of mine used to correct my grammar or the way that you think you are smart and pretend to be smart and then in retrospect, you’re an idiot.  I want to be charmed by thoughtful ideas and conversations not by your resume or schooling.  Ask good questions, reflect on life, see different perspectives intelligence.  Open my eyes to something new and recognize and build on the interesting intelligence that I also offer.

2.  No games – I can handle fun and silliness, I can even handle the fact that your last relationship has left some battle scars on you and sometimes you may act one way and feel another because you are making new discoveries about yourself and working to not make the same mistakes twice.  But if you are the type of guy that waits a certain amount of days to text or call after sex, or purposely flirts with other girls try to make me jealous or even doesn’t talk to me or doesn’t have sex with me cause you are mad about something than you are the type that plays games.  I’m up for a round Monopoly or Scrabble or as I am recently discovering, chess.  Anything that sounds like advice from Maxim Magazine means it is not in the cards.

3.  Blind Loyalty – I know that I’m not the most beautiful or smartest woman in the world and I don’t believe I have to be.  I’m not fucking delusional.  I just want you to think, or better yet, know, that I’m the most beautiful and smartest woman in the world for you.  I want to be the best thing that has ever happened to someone.

4.  Little Details – The littlest things make me swoon.  I had a guy that would brush my hair off my shoulder or rub my ear in the most nonchalant manner.  I would melt for hours after I had seen him.  He also brought me a glass of water with chlorophyll in it when I was hungover and made me take a shot of Vitamin B12 and if you know me and my love of health and well being, this is basically a calling card for the perfect man.  Most likely he was just being himself and sharing his little practices with me that happen to overlap in practices of mine but those were probably the best, most attentive little details that have been bestowed on me.  I like attentiveness.  Attention to detail and the little things are things that I take pride in for my loved ones.  I’ll share the little practices of my life on a guy that appreciates them and I will wear the sexy slutty nightie and dance for the guy that gets that.  The guy that skims and cuts corners and makes assumptions will get passed over by my favourite movie on Netflix.

5.   Generosity – I’m a single mom, on a single mom budget and I still donate the 10 cents from my personal shopping bags whenever I’m shopping the special foods I need for my special boy at Whole Foods Market.  I donate monthly off my paycheque to a charity that builds better lives for people in developing countries. I suffer through being bad at taking my recycling out on time and letting it build up because I refuse to throw it out for convenience sake.  A guy that recycles is hot.  A guy that donates his 10 cents is hot.  A guy that does anything above and beyond the bare minimum that I can afford and have time to do as a single parent is hot.  Bottom line is: Generosity is hot.

6.  Sex – Last year I got busy.  I got busy having sex.  My first 10 years of being sexually active were on the pill and I didn’t discover I even had an actual sex drive until I went off it and then had to masturbate in the bathroom stall in work once just to get through the day.  After my 7 year marriage of pretty much doing it the same the whole time, last year I got busy and discovered I really like sex.  And I want to have lots of it.  Currently there isn’t enough time in my life to have enough of it.  I did it with different people, different ways and I figured out what I like and how I like it and now I want to do it with someone I care about.  That way and a million other ways.  But I don’t want you looking at me like I’m your porn star girlfriend that makes you feel good about yourself when we do it.  You will be dismissed as a dirty old man if you think I am here to purely entertain you and make you feel like you are more than something you are.  I want you to already feel good about yourself, and be more and a have a shit load of fun with me in the bedroom, and the bathroom, and the kitchen, and your car, and my car, and random public places and non random public places.  I want fun, respectful, sometimes kinky, sometimes hot, sometimes lustful, sometimes beautiful and sometimes all of the above at once sex.

7.  Romance – I don’t give a flying fuck about Valentines Day if you give me the exact same thing that a million other guys gave their girlfriends.  I’m not a regular girl.  This past Valentines Day I bought myself roses and put them in a skull vase cause that’s what I like the best.  If you do romance like every other guy than you are a drone, not a romantic.  Classy, thoughtful and unexpected.  It doesn’t have to be grand gestures and it absolutely should not be traditional.  No horse drawn carriages and romantic comedies for me.  If you have #1 on this list, you’ll figure out how #7 works for me.  I like romance yes, there has yet to be a guy that can officially crack the code of romance for me.  If you can figure out how to incorporate the secret gothic/surfer/metal head/hippy/hipster chic that lives inside this regular looking girl, you will absolutely get lots more sex than already promised in #6.

8.  A Man – I can handle a man with a man cold.  What I cannot handle is a man that cannot man up to his responsibilities.  If you don’t pay your child support or are always late paying your child support, you are not a man.  If you do not pay your own bills, you are not a man.  If you live with your parents, you are not a man.  If you don’t pay for our first dinner out, you are not a man.  If you don’t take responsibility for your mistakes, you are not a man.  If you are always too tired to go out, make dinner, wash dishes, than you are a lazy man.  Heck, if you do the dishes once every 3 months and expect a fucking medal for it you are also not a man.  If you always blame other people, than you are a stupid man.  The guy I date can be 10 years younger than me and still be more of a man than one 10 years older.  It’s quality not quantity here people.

9.  Class and Culture – You know how to decant and/or select wine, cook a nice meal besides spaghetti, listen to interesting music, know how to pick a ripe avocado, open doors, speak another language, play an instrument, have hobbies that are not playing video games and watching TV, like or want to travel, uses the phone to call and not just text, reads, is not phased by a woman’s bodily functions and best of all suggests putting on the condom before you have to ask or beg or go fetch the condom yourself.  Seriously.  I’m not an all or nothing girl but this is a really great start.

10.  Sense of Humour – You know what is not attractive:  A man that tells me that I have no sense of humour.  What is attractive is a man that knows when to be silly and goofy, when to be funny and when to be a grown up.  A man that just bashes other people and uses them or even me as the butt of his jokes, sucks. A guy that can handle that his joke was misunderstood, doesn’t take it personally and blame everyone around him for not being funny, is my hero.  I love being silly and goofy.  I do.  I want to be playful and fun and make inappropriate jokes.  I’m a weirdo, through and through.  I want laughs and witty banter and a guy to do it with.  In bed, and the kitchen, the bathroom, his car, my car, random public places and non random public places.  I want to enjoy the rest of my life that currently isn’t long enough and I want to enjoy it with someone that likes to laugh and not take himself too seriously.

11.  Fun – I like to stay home and cuddle in bed and watch Netflix all night as much as I like to go out and have fun.  And I don’t mean, go out to the bar and get drunk fun.  That’s not really so much fun as it was when I was 25.  I like to try new things or rediscover old things.  I like going to sporting events, and music festivals and snowboarding even though I suck at it.  I like road trips and farmer’s markets and concerts and movies and restaurants and learning new things.  I have been with one too many a man that laze about and consider always snuggling in bed watching TV the only quality time we spend together.  I want fun!  And more than anything since I’ve been on my own as long as I have and will be turning 40 next year, I want to have fun with someone special.

12.  Honesty and Communication – I don’t want to be lied to but I also don’t need the honest brutal truth about things.  I want someone that will open up and let me know them and someone that wants to know me.  I want feedback and I want to give and support with my own feedback.  I want to grow with someone, not just grow old.  I’ve made a million mistakes of my own and being a single parent with a divorce under her belt, I am absolutely less than perfect in a relationship setting.  But I do the work and I show up and I continue to learn and grow from who I used to be into who I want to be.  That takes honesty with myself and communication with those around me.  If you are the type to walk away in an argument then maybe you need to walk away from me.  If you just hope to wait long enough after a fight and hope I forget about it and not have to talk about and it’ll just go away, there is some woman my age with the mental and emotional ability of a 14 year old girl out there that is just perfect for you.  If you have balls, we’ll even go for pro active couples counselling when things get serious.  Communication or bust.

13.  Understanding – One thing that used to suck about my marriage is we didn’t have each other’s backs.  I would get mad at my son about something and start to lose my shit and instead of stepping in and redirecting, my ex would come in even more angry and loud and lose his shit instead.  I want to be a team.  I want to pick up where you leave off and vice versa.  If you understand me and my many quirks, when I’m good and you need to back off, or when I’m sinking and I need a life preserver, chances are I’ll be putting in the same effort for you.  I want balance and a partnership.  I want you to still love me when you hate me.

14.  Caring – So here’s the real pincher – I have a son.  I don’t introduce him to anyone until I’m ready.  He doesn’t need unpredictability or thinking that ‘there goes another one’ if we don’t work out because that’s what he is like.  He’s a drama king and 8 and a boy.  My boy.  My number one priority.  If I trust that you care about me I will allow you to attempt meeting and getting to know my son and that will be because I understand that you are a caring individual.  We aren’t looking for any dad replacements.  He has a dad that he adores.  And according to my son, he will never call you dad anyways.  He won’t even call you stepdad, just Bob because he is 8 and wants his parents to be back together.  But a caring man will get that.  A caring man will be patient and care for him cause he cares for me.  We are a package.  And if you are lucky enough to be caring and understanding and pretty much all of the above and more (and not have a Sons of Anarchy beard – long story) you will have an amazing opportunity to hang out with an incredibly loveable, smart, fun and witty boy.  And only then can you play video games when I’m around.

So.  I look at this list and initially I think I’m ridiculous.  I mean, what if a guy said all this about a woman, I would scoff.  But, something happened to me last year in between the fun and awful world of dating as a late 30 something single mom. Something wonderful.  My cement heart became a little less cemented. Hope found it’s way through a crack.  Deserving, love, maturity, worthiness, strength and hope.  Sometimes since hope found its way in I’m even more lonely than I ever was before.  But when the nail in the coffin to my marriage was in, I knew that I did it for this specific possibility.  And after a long bout of hating every single man that I came across, hope came along and flirted with me until I let my guard down enough to want things.  I like things.  I like the things above.

Thoughts?  I’d love to hear them.  Maybe I’ve missed something or maybe I ask too much.  Let’s hear what you have to say about what this single mom wants.

14: The Prodigal Dater Returns

It’s true, I’ve been absent in these parts.  I was pretty much essentially falling in love and suddenly had nothing negative to say about a single asshole that I went out on a date with last year.  But now I’m back.  Not dating.  Not in love.  Just back.  Back to pick up where I left off and that is to share my experiences of dating as a single mother in Vancouver from the past year.  And when I’m ready, if I’m ever ready, I’ll fill you in on what pretty much essentially falling in love but not in love looks like.  But you can rightfully assume that it sucks, cause it does.

In the meantime, meet Shawn.  In a moment of weakness and loneliness I rejoined Tinder back in October and started chatting with Shawn.  We briefly chatted on Tinder and switched to text cause really it is easier, and here is how the beginning of our conversation went after having just met him on Tinder and hour before:

IMG_8985Hello to are you well in endowed, 0-60.  For the next half hour more that I believe I chatted with him, I essentially did everything in my power to have a conversation and not discuss my breasts. However, men can’t multi task, as I’ve learned over and over.  He had already decided I was a woman of substance and wanted to talk about boobs not my boobs and my sense of humour, or my boobs and my career or my boobs and what I like to do Sunday mornings.  Just boobs.  I decided there was no reason to ever text back after that evening.

Shawn, however, felt otherwise.

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Someone asked me why I just didn’t block the number.  I honestly believed he would just stop each time I didn’t reply and plus, the last two messages are priceless and worth not having bothered to block him. They are my dating disaster year scrapbook keepers.  He has almost systematically texted me for two months, possibly doing the same with other women, hoping one will reply. Let’s hookup?  I had the same reaction to that text as I did when my son’s dad texted me hoping I would ‘babysit’ on Valentine’s Day.  I tripped over my own feet laughing hysterically on the floor and then texted No.  Except I didn’t text this guy No.  Any text may give him the impression that he had a shot.  File that under Things I’ve Learned From Online Dating.

It’s good and sucky to be back.

13: No More Dating DJ’s

You may be wondering to yourself, have I ever made it past a first or second date with anyone in the past year.  Well, my friends, I most certainly have.  I, in fact dated a man child, ahem, man for over a month.

I met the DJ Chef on Tinder.  I was drawn to his pictures as a DJ, I have to admit that he wasn’t overly attractive but he was dark and cutish and so I swiped right.  We started chatting on Tinder and moved over to text and had a whirlwind weekend of texting and chatting.  He was nice and gentlemanly.  He was honest or gave a strong impression of having nothing to hide which was fun and interesting to get to know him.  He also gave me an impression that he was his full 38 years, had a career that he loved working as a Head Chef in a successful local restaurant that I knew of and also followed his love as a DJ in his own time.  He seemed like a man that had his shit together.

I had been on so many first dates at this point that had gone no where.  I was about 6 months into online dating and I really wanted something.  Something that didn’t have to last but something that was more than a couple of dates.  I wanted some closeness and predictability and some security I guess in the sense that I wanted to know who the next person was that I was having sex with.  And maybe do some fun things together.  I guess the DJ Chef showed up at the right time for this.  I think in retrospect, I needed a little practice in relationship stuff anyways and this worked out perfectly.  Perfectly horrible to be exact, but perfectly in the grand scheme of things.

I guess this might have been why I overlooked so many details in the beginning.  For one, close up when he smiled, he looked like a frog.  In the first week of a couple of dates he offered to clean my car for me and sent me an emoji of a man, woman and child all happily together and the suggestion that next Easter he would cook my son and I an Easter dinner.  There was definite weirdness.  But I was smoked screened.  He thought I was beautiful, admired what I was and was doing as a single mom, and I was horny.

To be honest he was really sweet.  Sweet in the beginning.  I think looking back the DJ Chef was also looking for something.  I was lured in by all these fun suggestions of taking me on a trip and buying me lingerie and many other things I hadn’t heard from a man in a kajillion years (that’s between 3-4 years in 38 year old single mom years) that he quickly got me exactly where he wanted me which was a lot like where I had been in University with one of my ex boyfriends.  Always in his bed watching TV.  After one night out, where he drunkenly dropped the L word and then later peed in his closet, we barely went out again.  He bailed on going to a food show and then I dragged him out to a movie once, literally dragged and the movie theatre was only a couple of blocks from his house.  I feel like he was eager to get to a place where he had someone that he could take advantage of.

That was just one part of it.  The DJ Chef, in all his honesty had confessed to previously having a drinking problem.  He used to party hard when he was a full time professional DJ but those days were behind him.  He didn’t smoke or really party or drink much.  As I slowly discovered he did all these things, just to a much lesser degree than 24/7.  I’m not sure if it was the text 10 minutes before a funeral I was speaking at started, that he was so hungover or the last time I saw him where I showed up for a DJ event he had organized, paid a babysitter to be there and he was so broke that he couldn’t buy me a drink because that would mean less money for him to drink with for the evening.

It was a sad state of affairs.  But like I said, I needed practice in relationshippy stuff.  I kept putting off the inevitable because I kept waiting for the sweet, gentleman to return.  Finally I just realized that the wait wasn’t worth it.  I tried to call him a couple of times to officially break up.  One night he was busy pickling himself (I found that out from FB) and the next time who knows.  I ended up texting him cause I couldn’t bare to let it go any longer and it was the most empowering thing I had felt in a long time.  We’ve never spoken again since.

When I started this blog and was listing out my dates and things I wanted to write about, I kid you not when I say I forgot about the DJ Chef.  He was an after thought to add to the list after I already had a big list of funny and humourous adventures.  I mean, who really wants to read about the unrecovered alcoholic that I went out with.  Maybe I just don’t want to remember.  But in all honesty, I think I got exactly what I had been looking for.  And after that I definitely got more specific about what I wanted.  The great sex was one of them that I did want.  Peeing in a closet, not so much.