It seems to me that in the process of dating a lot of what I didn’t want, I have discovered a lot of what I do want. I admit that this is a heck of a list. But I’ve settled in the past and not taken this list and wants and intelligence about a relationship seriously and now I feel like sometimes I’m a few steps behind everyone. I went passionately and lustfully and blindly into marriage and many things that followed from that marriage and had to start over again in many areas of my life when it ended. I don’t want to be that passionate and lustful and blind girl again. I want to be passionate with purpose, lustful in the bedroom (and many other places as listed below) and blindly loyal to an amazing man. I want to be a woman in a relationship. I want to meet my match both as someone that challenges and compliments. Let’s start at the very beginning:
1. Intelligence – Interesting and humble, intelligence. Not in the way that an ex boyfriend of mine used to correct my grammar or the way that you think you are smart and pretend to be smart and then in retrospect, you’re an idiot. I want to be charmed by thoughtful ideas and conversations not by your resume or schooling. Ask good questions, reflect on life, see different perspectives intelligence. Open my eyes to something new and recognize and build on the interesting intelligence that I also offer.
2. No games – I can handle fun and silliness, I can even handle the fact that your last relationship has left some battle scars on you and sometimes you may act one way and feel another because you are making new discoveries about yourself and working to not make the same mistakes twice. But if you are the type of guy that waits a certain amount of days to text or call after sex, or purposely flirts with other girls try to make me jealous or even doesn’t talk to me or doesn’t have sex with me cause you are mad about something than you are the type that plays games. I’m up for a round Monopoly or Scrabble or as I am recently discovering, chess. Anything that sounds like advice from Maxim Magazine means it is not in the cards.
3. Blind Loyalty – I know that I’m not the most beautiful or smartest woman in the world and I don’t believe I have to be. I’m not fucking delusional. I just want you to think, or better yet, know, that I’m the most beautiful and smartest woman in the world for you. I want to be the best thing that has ever happened to someone.
4. Little Details – The littlest things make me swoon. I had a guy that would brush my hair off my shoulder or rub my ear in the most nonchalant manner. I would melt for hours after I had seen him. He also brought me a glass of water with chlorophyll in it when I was hungover and made me take a shot of Vitamin B12 and if you know me and my love of health and well being, this is basically a calling card for the perfect man. Most likely he was just being himself and sharing his little practices with me that happen to overlap in practices of mine but those were probably the best, most attentive little details that have been bestowed on me. I like attentiveness. Attention to detail and the little things are things that I take pride in for my loved ones. I’ll share the little practices of my life on a guy that appreciates them and I will wear the sexy slutty nightie and dance for the guy that gets that. The guy that skims and cuts corners and makes assumptions will get passed over by my favourite movie on Netflix.
5. Generosity – I’m a single mom, on a single mom budget and I still donate the 10 cents from my personal shopping bags whenever I’m shopping the special foods I need for my special boy at Whole Foods Market. I donate monthly off my paycheque to a charity that builds better lives for people in developing countries. I suffer through being bad at taking my recycling out on time and letting it build up because I refuse to throw it out for convenience sake. A guy that recycles is hot. A guy that donates his 10 cents is hot. A guy that does anything above and beyond the bare minimum that I can afford and have time to do as a single parent is hot. Bottom line is: Generosity is hot.
6. Sex – Last year I got busy. I got busy having sex. My first 10 years of being sexually active were on the pill and I didn’t discover I even had an actual sex drive until I went off it and then had to masturbate in the bathroom stall in work once just to get through the day. After my 7 year marriage of pretty much doing it the same the whole time, last year I got busy and discovered I really like sex. And I want to have lots of it. Currently there isn’t enough time in my life to have enough of it. I did it with different people, different ways and I figured out what I like and how I like it and now I want to do it with someone I care about. That way and a million other ways. But I don’t want you looking at me like I’m your porn star girlfriend that makes you feel good about yourself when we do it. You will be dismissed as a dirty old man if you think I am here to purely entertain you and make you feel like you are more than something you are. I want you to already feel good about yourself, and be more and a have a shit load of fun with me in the bedroom, and the bathroom, and the kitchen, and your car, and my car, and random public places and non random public places. I want fun, respectful, sometimes kinky, sometimes hot, sometimes lustful, sometimes beautiful and sometimes all of the above at once sex.
7. Romance – I don’t give a flying fuck about Valentines Day if you give me the exact same thing that a million other guys gave their girlfriends. I’m not a regular girl. This past Valentines Day I bought myself roses and put them in a skull vase cause that’s what I like the best. If you do romance like every other guy than you are a drone, not a romantic. Classy, thoughtful and unexpected. It doesn’t have to be grand gestures and it absolutely should not be traditional. No horse drawn carriages and romantic comedies for me. If you have #1 on this list, you’ll figure out how #7 works for me. I like romance yes, there has yet to be a guy that can officially crack the code of romance for me. If you can figure out how to incorporate the secret gothic/surfer/metal head/hippy/hipster chic that lives inside this regular looking girl, you will absolutely get lots more sex than already promised in #6.
8. A Man – I can handle a man with a man cold. What I cannot handle is a man that cannot man up to his responsibilities. If you don’t pay your child support or are always late paying your child support, you are not a man. If you do not pay your own bills, you are not a man. If you live with your parents, you are not a man. If you don’t pay for our first dinner out, you are not a man. If you don’t take responsibility for your mistakes, you are not a man. If you are always too tired to go out, make dinner, wash dishes, than you are a lazy man. Heck, if you do the dishes once every 3 months and expect a fucking medal for it you are also not a man. If you always blame other people, than you are a stupid man. The guy I date can be 10 years younger than me and still be more of a man than one 10 years older. It’s quality not quantity here people.
9. Class and Culture – You know how to decant and/or select wine, cook a nice meal besides spaghetti, listen to interesting music, know how to pick a ripe avocado, open doors, speak another language, play an instrument, have hobbies that are not playing video games and watching TV, like or want to travel, uses the phone to call and not just text, reads, is not phased by a woman’s bodily functions and best of all suggests putting on the condom before you have to ask or beg or go fetch the condom yourself. Seriously. I’m not an all or nothing girl but this is a really great start.
10. Sense of Humour – You know what is not attractive: A man that tells me that I have no sense of humour. What is attractive is a man that knows when to be silly and goofy, when to be funny and when to be a grown up. A man that just bashes other people and uses them or even me as the butt of his jokes, sucks. A guy that can handle that his joke was misunderstood, doesn’t take it personally and blame everyone around him for not being funny, is my hero. I love being silly and goofy. I do. I want to be playful and fun and make inappropriate jokes. I’m a weirdo, through and through. I want laughs and witty banter and a guy to do it with. In bed, and the kitchen, the bathroom, his car, my car, random public places and non random public places. I want to enjoy the rest of my life that currently isn’t long enough and I want to enjoy it with someone that likes to laugh and not take himself too seriously.
11. Fun – I like to stay home and cuddle in bed and watch Netflix all night as much as I like to go out and have fun. And I don’t mean, go out to the bar and get drunk fun. That’s not really so much fun as it was when I was 25. I like to try new things or rediscover old things. I like going to sporting events, and music festivals and snowboarding even though I suck at it. I like road trips and farmer’s markets and concerts and movies and restaurants and learning new things. I have been with one too many a man that laze about and consider always snuggling in bed watching TV the only quality time we spend together. I want fun! And more than anything since I’ve been on my own as long as I have and will be turning 40 next year, I want to have fun with someone special.
12. Honesty and Communication – I don’t want to be lied to but I also don’t need the honest brutal truth about things. I want someone that will open up and let me know them and someone that wants to know me. I want feedback and I want to give and support with my own feedback. I want to grow with someone, not just grow old. I’ve made a million mistakes of my own and being a single parent with a divorce under her belt, I am absolutely less than perfect in a relationship setting. But I do the work and I show up and I continue to learn and grow from who I used to be into who I want to be. That takes honesty with myself and communication with those around me. If you are the type to walk away in an argument then maybe you need to walk away from me. If you just hope to wait long enough after a fight and hope I forget about it and not have to talk about and it’ll just go away, there is some woman my age with the mental and emotional ability of a 14 year old girl out there that is just perfect for you. If you have balls, we’ll even go for pro active couples counselling when things get serious. Communication or bust.
13. Understanding – One thing that used to suck about my marriage is we didn’t have each other’s backs. I would get mad at my son about something and start to lose my shit and instead of stepping in and redirecting, my ex would come in even more angry and loud and lose his shit instead. I want to be a team. I want to pick up where you leave off and vice versa. If you understand me and my many quirks, when I’m good and you need to back off, or when I’m sinking and I need a life preserver, chances are I’ll be putting in the same effort for you. I want balance and a partnership. I want you to still love me when you hate me.
14. Caring – So here’s the real pincher – I have a son. I don’t introduce him to anyone until I’m ready. He doesn’t need unpredictability or thinking that ‘there goes another one’ if we don’t work out because that’s what he is like. He’s a drama king and 8 and a boy. My boy. My number one priority. If I trust that you care about me I will allow you to attempt meeting and getting to know my son and that will be because I understand that you are a caring individual. We aren’t looking for any dad replacements. He has a dad that he adores. And according to my son, he will never call you dad anyways. He won’t even call you stepdad, just Bob because he is 8 and wants his parents to be back together. But a caring man will get that. A caring man will be patient and care for him cause he cares for me. We are a package. And if you are lucky enough to be caring and understanding and pretty much all of the above and more (and not have a Sons of Anarchy beard – long story) you will have an amazing opportunity to hang out with an incredibly loveable, smart, fun and witty boy. And only then can you play video games when I’m around.
So. I look at this list and initially I think I’m ridiculous. I mean, what if a guy said all this about a woman, I would scoff. But, something happened to me last year in between the fun and awful world of dating as a late 30 something single mom. Something wonderful. My cement heart became a little less cemented. Hope found it’s way through a crack. Deserving, love, maturity, worthiness, strength and hope. Sometimes since hope found its way in I’m even more lonely than I ever was before. But when the nail in the coffin to my marriage was in, I knew that I did it for this specific possibility. And after a long bout of hating every single man that I came across, hope came along and flirted with me until I let my guard down enough to want things. I like things. I like the things above.
Thoughts? I’d love to hear them. Maybe I’ve missed something or maybe I ask too much. Let’s hear what you have to say about what this single mom wants.